A little life update…

A few weeks ago I sat in my doctor’s office with a long list of things I wanted to discuss.

My doctor had left the practice so I had to establish care with someone new. It felt like a great time to address all of the things I’ve had on my mind. We knocked through the easy items pretty quickly.

✅ Anxiety medicine refill

✅ Request for full set of labs

✅ Heel pain

The doctor had 30 minutes for my appointment and we went over by 45 minutes (so incredibly thankful) because she listened to me as I explained my relationship with food, my struggle to eat most of the time, and how desperately I want to feel better. I cried. I was desperate for someone to confide in and someone to listen to how difficult this is for me on a daily basis. She gave me exactly what I needed on this day. An ear to listen, professional advice, and the push to share these things with someone close to me.

After a long conversation with lots of questions she spoke the words…”eating disorder”

Not me. Nope.

I’m not purposefully doing this.

I’m at my largest size.

I can’t have an eating disorder.

After weeks of reflection, results of my labs and some honest conversations with myself (and my husband) I get it.

Disordered Eating.

Gut punch.

The truth is…

I’ve been pretty unhappy with my current weight for awhile so I never really cared that I couldn’t eat. My body didn’t want the food and that was okay. Maybe that will help me lose the weight I already struggle with, I would tell myself.

But the truth is I’ve been working on the wrong problem for a long time. Instead of worrying about my weight, I should have been worrying about my unhealthy relationship with food and the fact that nothing ever sounded, tasted or felt good to eat.

A relationship that stems from a lifelong concern over my weight and the way my value as a human is strictly determined by the size of my jeans.

I don’t know why I share this because I’m absolutely terrified to hit publish on this post but I think it’s important to shine light on the hard stuff too. If I’m going to be on social media I want to do so in a way that is authentic to me and not hiding the truth behind a screen.

Welcome along on my new adventure of falling in love with food again and maybe somewhere along the way falling in love with myself again too.

Regular content will still be here too. 😘